Trite. I know it. I know it sounds trite. I hear it in my head and it comes with its own laugh track. That's how trite it is. But I have a hard time arguing with results. I'm feeling things now. I know a quick rundown of my blog would seem to show that's nothing new, but it is. I see couples at the bar and I feel their giddy anticipation and their intimate circumference. I listen now, more than ever, to people talk and I can feel their interest(s). I'm eager to start my day, and I'm less terrified of going to sleep. I hear the longing train whistle and I almost cry, but don't, because I feel it. I dream of Denise and wake up as if returning from a trip to childhood haunts. I am at a party and I can laugh and hear the laughter and it's not bittersweet. I'm feeling it. Them. Me.
It is such a powerful current that I'm afraid of getting swept away, and then without stopping I feel that fear and it's ok. That rhymed, kinda. I don't feel like I own my feelings, nor do I feel like they own me. It's more like we're sharing a condo in Miami and we've both agreed on how to stock the kitchen. It works, and although sometimes I worry that it might stop working, I feel that too, and it's ok.
I have loved a lot. I am loving a lot. I have and want love.
I have hated much more, and I am hating less, and I'm going to enjoy the stragglers as long as possible.
I want to fix what's broken, and create what's missing.
I picked up a mosquito-hawk by one leg today and threw it out the window, and felt good that I saved it from being painted over. I was painting the wall it was on, you see. But it flew back and stuck itself to the wet paint, and I laughed at the absurdity of both of our actions. Silly mosquito! Silly me.
Posted by Matt at May 21, 2003 02:14 AM