The Open Matt Project

I'm waiting for my water

I'm waiting for my water to get hot so I can wash some dishes and get some food into my belly. I'm starved. I mean I've had 2 cups of coffee and 3 beers and my stomach is about to curl up and turn into a cancerous tumor. I feel just fucking awful. I talked with my girl today and had one of "those talks" that made me reflect on just how screwed up I am and how much I wish I could achieve escape velocity from some of the patterns I've had my whole life. I feel like no matter what I do I end up hurting people, and even knowing that that is part of the whole emotional interaction thing doesn't change that it makes me feel like a slap of shit every time it happens.

What good is it? I keep trying to be "myself" whatever the hell that is, and at the same time be good to others. So frequently it ends up with me hurting the people I love most - and all I can think is that that is the way I'm designed. That is what I do. I hurt people. What then? What do I do?

She is happy she can say boyfriend. That thing I cannot seem to be. I'm jealous. I've always said that jealousy is a lack of self-esteem and here I am loaded to the gills with it. Lack of self-esteem? Jealousy? Both. What could I say in my own defense? I just said it myself, I'm not the boyfriend you're looking for. I'm not that guy. I'm not what you want. I'm not what anyone wants - even myself. Self-loathing? No! I wish. Instead it's this infernal perception that I know who I am, even if that guy is damned.

I know who I am. I know how I am. And as sorry as I am that I cannot be the thing you want - I'm sorrier that I cannot make myself be the thing you want.

8.0 and dropping.

Posted by Matt at February 23, 2003 07:05 PM