The Open Matt Project

Instructions for a post-modern, successful

Instructions for a post-modern, successful gen-xer:

1. Prepare your rationalized poisons beforehand. It will save you time, trouble, and money.

I fumble for the shot glass and prepare myself a cigarette, listening to mp3s on my latest electronic toy.

2. Gather as much gumption as you're prepared to dole out. If you are feeling insubstantially lethargic, don't worry, that's just a shell of residual angst from your teen years. The important thing is to remember that when you keep moving, it feels a lot like you're growing out of it.

Three ice cubes, two splashes of #7, and click-foosh my cigarette lights the way.

3. Act with deranged devotion, and mistake it for single-minded determination. That last part is important, so try not to get distracted. This was all on the exam you slept through a decade ago.

The ice somehow nullifies the half-Disney, half-rat poison taste of JD. The first drag of my cigarette still has lighter fluid fumes in it, which thankfully numbs my tongue and throat.

4. During your frantic thrusting, try your best not to hear complaint or outcry unless it's your own - or at least sounds like your own. You've got plenty of time for recrimination on your next bender. Or your next therapy session. Or both.

An oven mitten of amber alcohol rests itself on my brain, suffocating and warming it simulataneously. I remember afterschool specials where the moral message was just-be-yourself-and-everything-will-work-out, and think about serial killers and chronic jerkoffs who discovered just how true that lesson was.

5. In case of emergency, crawl back into whatever you came out of.

I'm waiting to see how long I can go before this room becomes intolerably cold. As it is, I've lost feeling in my fingertips and the end of my nose. In many ways, this is an analogy of my social behavior.

6. There will be occasions where you can finally see what you're supposed to be doing. You'll feel a sense of balance and harmony, and will laugh at your own foolish worries. If you're smart, you'll recognize that it has happened before, you've simply forgotten - and in that thought your elation will begin it's deflation. If you're stupid, you'll take another bong hit.

I frequently feel that loving someone completely and killing them are not so distantly related. There is something about the complete absolution of love that resonates with the finality of death. Is there anything left to do on the highest mountain peak but to savor the moment and begin the descent?

7. Never give up hope. If you had a nickle for every time a hopeless situation worked out for the best, you'd be yelling "I can see my house from here!" from the top of Silverado Peak.

The proof really is in the pudding. I'm still here, so clearly optimism has won every important battle.

8. Near the end, you'll feel an irresistable urge to look behind you. Don't. If you've done things right, you should see everything you want to see in front of you. If not... well, just don't.

In my teen years, I thought that my helplessness and despair were rooted in ignorance and misunderstanding. In my twenties, I learned the depths of ignorance and misunderstanding and realized I was irritated by a splinter while impaled on a pole. Now, I'm just a drunk.

9. Avoid nitrates. They give you gas.

I used to love Slim Jims. I used to take a bite and suck the "juice" from the bite before grinding what was left to a fine, meaty paste and swallowing. When I learned that it was assholes and elbows, I didn't immediately appreciate the metaphor.

Posted by Matt at December 16, 2002 09:30 PM