The Open Matt Project

As there are two sides

As there are two sides to any coin, it seems that one of mine has been flipped over. Film at 11.

With only minor edits:

"One day you want to be shown the way and the next you
want to remain in your orbit around us all here on
earth. You constantly test me and try to get me to
leave you.

Why do I have to be the in the "impossible to escape"
box with you? It's gotta be your way? I have to do
things on your terms because there is no one you can't
dispose of with relative ease. So trying to force you
to do "my way" or any other way would be gambling with
being disposed of.

For you love is selfish. Love is your verbal fireworks
display for us all to ooh and ah at. Love is about you
making a hollow statement so others can feel
incredible joy and sorrow in one dazzling and sparkly
explosion. Boom! Oooh! Wow! Ow.

You are heartless and selfish. Your claim of being
generous is bogus. Monetary generosity is really not
generosity at all. You are the fucking Grinch. You
give people money and buy them things but you are very
selfish with you, with anything of actual substance.
Why don't you DO something for someone, something
involving time(I don't mean just spending time with
someone) and imagination. Something that would make
them smile indefinitely. Anyone. Someone you know,
someone you don't know. You put off to people that
money means very little to you, so why should it mean
anything when you give it to someone else.?

You are self-centered, self-loathing and petrified
with fear. That is the reason your reply to "How are
you?" is always, "I'm okay.." Well, you're not okay
with me.

You know, you would not be selling your soul to the
devil, you can let go of those things and try
something else. If the new things you try don't work
out you can always go back to your dark hole in the
ground and pick up your armor again.

You say that what I propose is not possible.
Furthermore, You say that you cannot offer me what I
want. (do you even know what that is??) Why don't you
make some sort of proposition? Why don't you make a
plan? I just might take you up on it.

You protect yourself with high brow explanations and
philosophic metaphors. You keep everyone at arms
length. You talk of not trusting and are unwilling to
trust. That forces me to either spit in the wind and
trust you anyway or not trust you...can you see how
that is absolutely ridiculous?

Either way I lose. If I try and push you, you will
pull away. If I relax and let you explore it on your
own you doubt yourself and pull away. You push away
enough and I will let go, then you will be just sad
enough to drink and flirt and write and shrug and say.
"see, happens every time. I keep hurting people. I
can't do what they think I can. I guess I will just be
alone forever and like it."

I want you to hate me. I want you to hate me because
as long as you love me or still care about me I will
want you and want you to find another happiness. I am
powerless. I am a disposable hero. I am just one more
reason, one more excuse, for you to hold on tighter to
the bullshit for you to wield like your coat of arms.
You do that. You may not "need" anyone around now or
in 30 years, but you can't tell me you don't dream
about "that other path" once in a while.

Moreover, I am not surprised if you disagree with most
or everything I have said. Your sorry excuse of being
inconsistent allows you to change yourself like you
exchange weapons on that fucking ninja or spy video
game with the exploding teddy bear.

In closing, I would like to point out that half of
what you say is just so you can hear your gums flap.
You frequently make statements about things you cannot
do in regards to me in regards to our relationship,
and then go ahead and do them anyway. Maybe I should
just start ignoring you and go on with our
relationship the way I see it best working out?"

Posted by Matt at December 11, 2002 06:22 PM