It's been over a month now. Not a day has gone by without a drink to accompany it. Sometimes, the drink doesn't accompany so much as hammer down or punctuate, but as is typical of my ruthless and growing pragmatism I don't care about the particulars. It's been over 31 days. That's a solid number you can sink your teeth into, or in my case wrap my lips around.
Speaking of lips, it's been a joyride through urbania this month for girls. I met a girl on match.com - you recall my ridiculous profile I'm sure - and we actually went out. That was a lot of fun, we went to a local thai place and she ordered everything since I know fuckall about Thai food. Everything she ordered, I liked, amazingly enough. There was a soup with coconut milk and mushrooms - YUM! There were these funny chicken skewer things - Double YUM! and then there was a... pork dish? I dont remember except that it was spicy and good. It was a good time. She combed my hair! I don't think that's happened in the past 20 years. But I was not connecting in the right way, and I could sense that she was ahead of me emotionally, so I chickened out and dropped the whole thing.
I'm turning 30 in just over a month. Frankly, the words have just about zero meaning for me. Mainly, it means I will be spending a fortune in about a month for the big ass birthday party. Who to invite? Who to invite? Oh! I know! everyone!!! That way at least a few of my closest friends will show up.
I fell in love a week ago. It's been a long, long time since that happened. It shed a lot of light on my endless girl confusion. Love isn't about me giving endlessly. It's not about someone giving themselves to me without reservation. It's not give-and-take. It's not a disease. It's not combat. It's not two become one fucking.
It is a force. It's a force that swoops and licks and slams you into a world where there's an immeasurably equal balance of awe and horror. How can this other person exist? How lucky am I that we actually met? What if we hadn't? What is a world without this? I am so small and so enormous - in love.
Tears came when this force hit me. I wept slightly for the horror of how lonely I was before it and for the humbling slap of seeing myself checked. I wept for the awesome joy I felt staring into her eyes and seeing
everything
She asked why I was crying and I don't remember what I said, but I know what I thought/felt. "you see me." And I slept well that night.
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I'm trying to find a way to more easily post pictures. A lot of my problem is not the mechanics of posting them to the website but getting the stupid thumbnails done. I have these pictures that are collosal from a web-viewing perspective that I need to shrink down and then make a thumbnail of. It's a pain in the ass that I wish someone had made a little program to do for me.
I'm coming up on two full years of working at this company I'm at. I really need a vacation badly. It's starting to make me a little crazy. Every day seems startlingly like the day before it. It actually annoys me now when people ask how things are going for me. My thought is "they are exactly the same as they were last week, and last month, and hey what a surprise last YEAR!!!" On occasion I get a moment away from work in my mind and it's a rush. I remember being free. I remember walking down Broadway in New York with nothing but my messenger bag. I remember the perspective of the whole fucking world being my "room". Now it's just a 15-by-15 box half filled with computer equipment and I can't even tell if that's describing my home or my office. I remember telling people what I was feeling and thinking. Now what I say runs through so many filters I feel like someone else has rented my mouth and I'm just listening to it. I remember being afraid of things. Now I'm afraid of being afraid. I remember my friends and the absolute clarity of their bonds to me. There is no one I'm not prepared to abandon anymore. I had strong legs once. I barely recognize the spindly twigs I use to lurch around with now.
I remember tripping my ass off in midtown Manhatten, not being able to stifle my laughter at the scope of mans foolishness, and now I'm the costumed idiot.
Posted by Matt at September 29, 2002 03:14 PM