The Open Matt Project

Listing, or How I Weakly Leaned

One of my favorite websites, USS Clueless, recently posted one of those hard-up-for-content list thingies. I respect serendipity as much as the next guy, and as the last comment some reader posted here was a lengthy treatise on how god damn boring I am, I figure I'll just snatch his filler and regurgitate it as my own.

Without further ado,

1. Do you have a personal hero? If so, who is it?

I think probably Indiana Jones. Sure he doesn't really exist. So what.

2. What is your favorite book of all time and what made it so fucking good?

James Thurber's "The Thirteen Clocks" probably made the greatest impression on me. I'm playing it a little relative here, as there have been plenty of books that I thought were fucking great, but this book immediately jumped to mind when I asked myself the question - and I read it before I was 10. That's enduring quality. I loved it because it has everything a book should have. Great characters, great plot, great writing, great meaning, great drama, and best of all, a great ending.

3. What does “diversity” mean to you?

A variety of different things. That's my answer, not a preamble.

4. What is the wildest thing you’ve ever done?

Tripped on acid and danced on the roof of my Brooklyn brownstone in the rain with my friends. I don't remember if it was day or night, but I woke up on that roof next to my boombox (still playing) completely soaked and wondering how my box could still be playing music despite that it had been completely exposed to pouring rain for hours. Mind you, I was lying in the same puddle as it and it was plugged, through a couple of cheap non-grounding extension cords, down the side of the building and into the wall socket in the bathroom. The real funny part is that I was only afraid to touch the power button.

5. Do you regret doing it?

Hell no.

6. Can you drive a stick shift?

It's been about a decade. I think I could do it.

7. What’s the highest speed you ever traveled in a car?

Just a guess, since I likely did it in a car filled with dopeheads. Probably somewhere in the 120 range.

8. Were you driving, or riding at the time?

Riding. This comes as no surprise to anyone who knows me.

9. Which is better: snakes or spiders?

Spiders. I have a pet spider, Vein, who lives on my bathroom window sill. Occasionally I'll clean out his web by pulling all the bug carcasses out. You wouldn't think it was creepy if you could see how cute he is when he's cleaning himself in the morning.

10. What is the most disgusting thing you ever ate?

My grandmother made beef stew once and didnt understand that in New York City there are about 10,000 roaches for each human. She let the stew "cool" and by the time my sister and I got served, it had been overrun with them. Yes, we didn't notice until too late that it was crunchier than normal. For the record, I was exactly as disgusted as you are.

11. Have you ever shit your pants? Be HONEST!

Yes, a few times actually. It's probably been 20 years or so, but hell, I ain't got nothin' to hide. You try going through 5 doors, one elevator (or four flights of stairs) and 5 locks when you reeeeeallly gotta go!

12. Was losing your virginity an enjoyable experience?

Possibly the best. I didn't lose it til I was 20, so I had a lot of pent-up fucking to do. I travelled 3000 miles to get it and I used condoms for the roughly two hours it went on.

13. Should oral sex be outlawed or encouraged?

Encouraged. Gingerly, but with less judgement and more communication. In my experience, there is far far far more misunderstanding about oral sex than there is actual oral sex.

14. Name one man with a fine ass.

George Michael, I guess. Although I guess he's old now. Well that's as good as I got.

15. Do you watch golf on television? If not, will you iron my shirts?

Never. Golf is fucking stupid. And sure, I love ironing, I just hope you don't love your shirts.

16. Who is Martha Burk?

No clue.

17. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I would be more physically energetic and consequently more athletic-looking. I miss running.

18. Do you eat raw oysters?

Definitely. I need to be in the mood, but I can definitely appreciate good oysters. If you ask, I'll tell you about the horrifying oyster soup story. It's good, but it still makes me want to gag.

19. Are you claustrophobic?

No. I frequently have dreams where I am in a very tight tunnel, possibly closing in on me, and I am not bothered by it at all. So long as I can move at all, I'm cool.

20. If you rode a motorcycle, would you wear a helmet even if the law said you didn‘t have to?

Yes, and I'd also wear full-body armor and I wouldn't start the bike. I'd push it instead.

21. Name five great Presidents.

Sadly I don't have enough background to confidently answer this question. I'll take a weak stab at it by saying Lincoln for tackling the Civil War and slavery, and Reagan for handling the Soviet Union.

22. Name three shitty Presidents.

Same problem. I'll only toss Nixon in there just because he really screwed the pooch on Americans respecting the presidency.

23. Now call me fanny and slap my ass. Just kidding.

Hi fanny. *slap*

24. This is the 4th of July. Did you set off any fireworks?

No. It was surprisingly tame. Perhaps too much liquor and not enough sex.

25. If you could have dinner and conversation with anyone in the history of the planet, who would you choose?

Probably Napoleon. Maybe Ghengis Khan. I'd want to spend that time with someone who actually did conquer the world. I can barely handly my laundry - can you imagine waking up in the morning and your agenda includes ruling the world?

Posted by Matt at July 8, 2003 02:59 AM