In a burst of focused, spontaneous energy, Joe thankfully decided to make the decision to get the Long Island trip underway. Consequently, I'm here in somewhere, LI on a lakeside superhome. I call it a superhome because the kitchen is bigger than my whole house and the bathroom is equipped with both a bidet and a jacuzzi. In my mind, that puts it in Robin Leach territory.
So far the trip has been a moderate success. I've acquired some kind of mental/emotional flu, wherein I feel very mildy disjointed or depressed for no particular reason. It feels a little like having a sense of Deja Vu about a Deja Vu moment.
Example: Yesterday, I was walking around 13th street and 8th Ave (roughly lower west side of Manhattan) and I felt both as if I were 15 again, in a strangers body, and also as if I had been there before - even though I couldn't remember anything in particular. Like I was haunting myself. I wanted to cry really hard at that moment, and when that passed I wanted to vomit.
What the fuck?
So Joe grabbed me and dragged me out to LI. I'm here with an old acquaintance/friend Alex, and his pal Matt. We spent last night drinking and telling horribly obscene and offensive jokes and stories. Apparently Alex and Matt had spent quite some time in Germany, and I think they have some kind of industrial music band so I guess that makes sense. They had some pretty incredible stories to tell about drugs, girls, and drinking. I think it's safe to say I won't be able to think of German girls in the same way ever again.
I think I'll be staying here for tonight as well and going back tommorow.
It's very very strange being out here. Trying to negociate between feeling at home, feeling far from home, and feeling homeless is a dailiy struggle. I dread being back in my apartment in Berkeley as much as I dread the notion of leaving it. I've been asked many times whether or not I want to move back to NYC, and my confident response is that visiting NYC doesn't change my lack of desire to move back at all - but definitely increases my desire to leave the bay area. There is just so much more to do and involve yourself in here. I've met an artist, a lawyer, an accountant, a plumber, a singer, and so on, and they are all so very different and yet not really in different worlds. It's all just NYC.
The Bay Area seems to me to be just so separate. You can find all the same things, but they are all spread out over different regions and neighborhoods. I think in some ways I'm a little tired of the sheer diffuseness of it. Here I'm not allowed to be wishy-washy. People don't have the time or patience for it. Downside? It's true that if you want to stroll, mentally, verbally, or physically, you are at risk of getting trampled, but I think maybe it's time for some more of that in my life.
At the end of the day, or perhaps just today, I am just so tired of being broken up.
Posted by Matt at July 30, 2003 01:11 PM