The Open Matt Project

Communipassion

Long story short, last night I managed to get into an argument that contained all the perfect elements of a shitty time. It was pointless, as in the focus of the argument went nowhere. It was one-sided, as in one party wanted to hear himself speak more than anything else. Worst, it was mutually damaging.

If you've ever had one of those fights with someone where they are releasing emotions on you that had been born somewhere else and they are now making you the surrogate mother for them, you'll know what I'm talking about.

For what it's worth, the argument was about racism.

There are actually many times that I take a beating, emotionally, intellectually, romantically, socially, where it is percieved that I am "asking for it." Although it is true that I put myself in harm's way, it is not true that I do it for harm's sake. I like to explore terrain that most people don't - maybe because it's fruitless, or because it's hazardous, or because it's already been explored - or some combination of such. I don't know.

What I do know is that I gain the aspects of myself that people like largely by exploring the depth and distance of the interations around me. That's why I'm generous. That's why I'm compassionate. That's why I like to connect people.

Sometimes my openness, or my pushing boundaries, or my radical shifts in perspective causes me to take a hit - like last night did - and I feel hurt and want what crumbs of sympathy I can get. But I don't think most everyone realizes how little I get. Mostly I get the "you brought it on yourself" response, which as I've stated may or may not be true. The point is that sometimes I need someone to assume I was right before they assume I was wrong. occasionally I need to hear "that sucks, man" when I explain how things went badly for me.

I do it for you - all the time.

Posted by Matt at September 5, 2003 06:05 PM