Non-communicative. Sullen. Passive. Unyeilding. Closed.
I've been called these things, and worse, in regards to my intimate relationships. I assume during the negative, argumentative parts. I think today my bullshit-o-meter just popped, and for better or worse I figured I'd explain myself.
When you decide to explode in my face about something you've been (not non-communicative about, oh no!) holding back for weeks or months, and I choose not to respond with defensive invective about how you should have brought it up when it was only a teapot and not a tempest, it is not because I am being sullen. It's not passive aggressive. It's the placid sound of the buck stopping here. I am not going to play raquetball with anger and hatred.
When you act with callous disregard for my feelings, or worse stomp on them outright, trust me I am more than capable of returning the favor. I know you a lot better than you would ever imagine. I could bring up the things that happened with your family, how much that made you who you are, and how you're taking it out on me. I could reflect the shame and fear of self-doubt and the resulting lashing out it causes. I could go base and tell you what you really think of yourself - and how you're not wrong.
But I don't. The buck stops here. I will not participate in a game where nobody wins. I choose to be silent. I choose to be patient. I choose to redirect the anger and frustration and helplessness towards my writing, or towards trees, or against digital enemies online. They don't have feelings.
But I do, and although I have frightening reserves of patience and forgiveness, when I hear platitudes like "you'll get over it" or "time heals all wounds" from the very people who caused the injury - it only aggravates and compounds the difficulty of enduring it. Trust me, I know I'll get over it. I'm all too aware that time heals all wounds, and I have the scar tissue to prove it. The only reason you're giving me the fortune cookie condolences is because you don't have anything better to offer. Fortunately, I don't have that problem.
My problem is more obvious, more noticable. I hear about it all the time. I'm sullen. I'm closed. I'm passive agressive.
You're welcome.
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It's not Me!
Posted by: scratchymonkey at October 14, 2003 08:48 PMOh, she knows... she knows...
Posted by: Matt at October 14, 2003 08:25 PMLOL at rose. I wish you knew.
Posted by: d0g_p00p at October 14, 2003 06:27 PMjesus christ! for once, I aint the asshole you are referring to here. While in the past you were rather sullen, I dont see that so much any more. I dont think i woudl consider you passive agressive, closed or non-communicative. Unyielding? Absolutely not.
a massochist? undoubtedly, though not necessarily by conscious decision.
You are awesome, Matt. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise. You are difficult, yes, but you are a good friend to people who dont even grasp the concept or the import of what that means.
Posted by: scratchymonkey at October 12, 2003 11:38 PM