The Open Matt Project

Resonance

pulse, pulse, pulse ok you need to relax, you need to unclench yes unclench your jaw, so you can breathe, so you can breathe open your mouth so you can breathe easier, ahhh, deep breaths, why can't I breathe through my nose, wait, my jaw is clenched again, relax, stop thinking so much, stop telling yourself things, breathe, relax your jaw, yes it's much easier to breathe with your mouth open, but I'm thinking again and didn't I just have this thought? pulse, pulse, pulse My front teeth are cold, close my mouth, relax your neck, oh god that hurts, I wonder how long those muscles have been flexed, it's hard to relax those muscles, breathe, breathe, my jaw is clenched again and I can't breathe, my brow is furrowed, relax it, relax your face, your jaw your neck your back and, and, and breathe. pulse, pulse, pulse What's that sound? There are things crawling under my skin, under my arms and under my face and under my feet and it's coming-

ghhhH, that one wasn't so bad, just a little tremor, just a little shake shake it loose and I'm clear for a moment. I'm calm. It left me. It let me breathe.

But pulse, pulse, pulse my view is shaking and the ground is shifting and I can feel the nerves in my teeth like the superheated cores of popping corn they're going to pop if I don't unclench my jaw and relax and breathe and didn't I just think this didn't I just think this didn't I think just now this is a pattern and how long has this been repeating because my eyes are tearing and my face has things on it or under it tiny prickles and pulse, pulse, pulse there it is again that pulse what is it? pulse Stop it. Stop everything. Don't breathe, don't move, don't no stop it-

Shook it loose again, a bolt of lightning in muscle reflex swirling in my belly and ripping through my body into my arm or leg or stomach or my neck and then relax and pulse, pulse, pulse

Oh. It's no earthquake. It's not my vision. It's my heart pulse, pulse, pulse and I can put my ear to the silence and hear the ocean, it's a rush a rumble of pressure of blood in my ears rocketing through my head and through my face and back my chest is pulse, pulse, pulsing and I can see it shake my shirt before it snakes down my arms, my hands tremor imperceptibly and ricochets back and my chest is so tight and worms of blood shift slightly under the skin of my legs and disappear into the numb cold of my feet.

Unclench your jaw, Matt. Breathe, breathe through your mouth so you can get more air. Oh god I've though that before, how long have I been at this and I've thought that too and all of this is so familiar so very famliar like a rhythm like a pulse, pulse, pulse a resonance of resonance it's a resonance

Posted by Matt at January 29, 2004 12:37 AM