The Open Matt Project

Be Loved

It's a brutal sense of loneliness that oppresses me right now. I want so badly to be held, and at the same time hold someone. This past year has been a trial that I've been largely unaware of. The judgement has yet to be delivered, and I'm not yet settled into the apathetic position of accepting whatever it may be.

My family, at least the Holmes side, has always been obsessed with trains. Locomotives I mean. As a kid I'd be subjected to long sessions of slide-shows showing various trains from around the country. My father loves them. My uncle loves them. My grandfather had a massive antique set of electric trains that as a child I could only dream about.

There is something about raw excitement that is contagious. In some ways, it's the very existance of passion that synergistically creates more of itself, and my feelings about the world conform to this notion closely. I would watch these endless shows and dialog about trains and be bored to tears, but at the same time I would find myself inexorably drawn into the excitement around me.

I discovered in time that my particular passion has been love. I love loving. Being loved in return is a perk, a side-effect, or on particular occasions the required response, but is never the point. For whatever reason, I'm particular about my desire to love others.

I've read more than I care to think about regarding the potential psychological causes for this. I've heard all about co-dependency and the perils of low self-esteem. Yet I find these rational constructs as useful as shoehorns or dental floss tools - functional, yet ultimately extraneous. There needs not be a reason to love, but rather love itself is fulfilling unto itself.

Even if I thought it were possible, I do not want to understand the machinations of love. Rather, I'm unwillingly comfortable with its command of my existence and hope without recourse that its passion is contagious.

Posted by Matt at May 26, 2004 01:39 AM