Every so often, I'll catch myself focusing my eyes to see something and wonder why it was I hadn't focused on it properly in the first place. Originally the discovery of this phenomenon came from a sudden awareness that I was not longer looking people in the eyes. I was looking at their mouth, or simply unfocusing my eyes so they were blurry. When I realized that it was deliberate, I instantly knew that I had secretly been retreating from the most intimate level of my life - my senses.
I didn't want to look in other people's eyes; when I forced myself to, I feared seeing too much of them or them seeing too much of me. I was afraid of seeing. Reflexively I began to assess my other senses. Do I not hear? What smells am I not aware of? Could there possibly be more flavor in my Doritos? Just how far have I retreated? Would I or could I ever know?
I recieved an email today from a business associate regarding a package he had been expecting and had not yet recieved. No mystery there, it had not been sent. I replied with assurances of it's delivery posthaste. I would have to focus my attention on getting that out. Immediately I began to take stock of other tasks I had lost focus on. Bills. Email responses. Writing jobs. Moving to New York. Maintaining social ties with local friends and acquaintances. Going outside. Each of these had been considered and rejected. Again realizing it was deliberate, I instantly knew that I had been retreating from the most intimate level of my being - my mind.
Alternativley - I feel like I have avoided my mind and senses since I was a little girl. It has gone on for so long, that I consider it to be a part of who I am. I remember sitting by myself for hours and hours when I was 4 or 5 and staring at rocks. Every so often, I would rearrange them in different ways and pretend that they were dolls or buildings or people, but basically it was meditational.
I've found in conversation it's difficult for me to decide what to talk about. I think this is partly because I intentionally try not to think and then I have to work really hard to build a conversation that makes sense. This is less true with people I know and trust a lot.
One side effect of this is that I enjoy getting really drunk, taking extreme risks and experiencing intense pain through dance or movement. I also have a desperate and constant desire for sex. I think all of this stems from the fact that every so often I want to break out of the tepid cacoon around me. Thank god I never tried heroin.
I love you.
i don't know what to say. we ,or I rather, feel powerless in any attempt to help you. maybe you don't even want help, maybe you are just talking...but after our convo last time I was over I felt that I can do is stand on the hills and watch the ocen swallow the land.
i love you.
Posted by: scratchymonkey at June 4, 2004 07:38 AMJust what openmatt needs, another smartass! :-P
Posted by: Matt at June 3, 2004 07:14 PMI'm sure that people have been meaning to tell you, but nobody has had a way of putting it into words for you. So I'll just say it. There IS more flavor in your Doritos. Go buy a bag, close your eyes, and savor that cool, cool ranch.
Posted by: Kim at June 3, 2004 04:30 PM