The Open Matt Project

Vapor Trailblazing

Today was the day I went broke. Not the flexible semi-broke of a man with credit or investments, but rather the cold hard broke that only a grumbling, gnawing hunger can signal. One dollar and twenty cents is in my pocket right now, and there's ten more in the bank, if I choose to go in there and suffer the unendurable embarassment of filling out a withdrawal slip for such a pittance.

The total of my outstanding debts flirts with gaining an unwanted fifth decimal place, and I've become an it's-in-the-mail lackey. Thousands outstanding, from whichever angle one might view it, yet the cold concrete that is the absence of cash is a far more successful negociator with my hunger than the promise of future funds.

As I reach for resources, my internet connection, my cell phone, my USENET account, my VISA card, and so on, I'm rebuffed with non-payment ruler-slaps from the Mother Superior my debt has become. You knew better, she says. I shouldn't have to do this to you, she tut-tuts. It is this erosion of my life that creates a dizzying riptide of fears and judgements, an emotional landscape that is often as difficult for others to ignore as it is for me to endure.

Providence has been my guardian as well as my response to inquisitive minds, helpful and cynical alike. It is a sense of confidence and optimism that I find when I swish through my murky anxieties, peering as if for lost pennies. In my state, perhaps not even as if. Providence is simply there, and I no more create it than I rely on it. For the past year I've felt hope's big brother, and to find salvation now, at my greatest moment of need, in the form of a high-paying job, coming from somewhere I never would have guessed leaves me with an unavoidable view.

Ultimately, I may not believe in god, but currently I'm finding it rather hard to feel that he doesn't believe in me.

Posted by Matt at September 27, 2004 07:46 PM