Tonight I decided to go out and enjoy myself. I went out with some friends and had some drinks. Some good drinks. I drank my drinks and decided to play some pool. We left our table and focused on our game.
I left my bag at our table up until a couple of guys decided to sit at our table. I moved my bag from the seat and told them, hey, go ahead and sit - we're just playing pool.
I've been away from New York too long. I've forgotten that people are LCD - lowest common denominator. Yes, my bag was ransacked while I played pool. I lost a few hundred dollars worth of stuff. A big deal? Not in physical items, no.
What I lost tonight was faith. I was mugged by reality - again. I was foolish for thinking I could leave my belongings without suspecting my fellow man. Stupid me.
Now I want to call on my friends. I want comfort, someone to more or less cry with. Nope. Not going to happen. They're all in their own thing. I am screaming and punching things and throwing things. I am filled with rage and there is nothing to level it. Nothing to balance it. Nothing to bring my primal to something even.
It's this time that I think of when people say, "I'll be there for you." I know what they mean. I know what they intend. I know what they're trying to express.
I'm here for you like I wish anyone would be here for me. I don't want to be alone - so I won't leave you alone. I understand how those moments of utter emptiness feel. I know the sound of the void and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Yeah, but I know just as well as you. I know that when you're sitting around with beer and music with your friends, the last thing you want is to be reminded of that abyss. I know there is nothing less attractive than the depths of terror. Who in their right mind would want to tap into that - even in a moment of selflessness?
Such is my existance. I look at my cell phone and know in a horrifying assault that I'm alone for this. I'm going to have to put my big girl pants on and just suck it up.
At what cost? At what price? No need to consider it - it's cost is automatic.
I hate you. I hate all of you. I wish I didn't and I wish I couldn't, but I do. I hate you all with exactly as much vigor as I hate myself. It'll come back at me - and we'll share it.
Posted by Matt at October 30, 2004 12:55 AM