In the last month or so I've found myself cultivating a new reflex - the shrug. It's not as sexy as a lean, but obviously superior to its near cousin the cringe. The shrug is quickly becoming a physical manifestation of my embracing reality, however it comes. It's my feeling of "yeah, ok, sure." It's noncommital only in the sense that I'm restricting my commitment soley to the acceptance of what is at the moment and not neccessarily anything past that. I recognize it, I embrace it, I let it go - and like a piss shiver I find myself shrugging. So it goes.
I miss Denali. I wonder what she's doing, and more often how she's doing. It bothers me that she could be in trouble or worse and I'd never know. I'm simultaneously certain she will be back in my life and terrified of her being back in my life. So far, I have given absolutely no thought to the possibility she might be gone forever.
*shrug*
I met this new girl, Lily, a few months ago. She's ... well, she's still here and it's been a few months. We dance around those words pretty often, and I find that I'm usually so happy and comfortable with her that the words for it seem like overly familiar and uninvited guests. She makes me happy, and often, and moreover-
*shrug*
The contract I've been working on the past few months is almost over. In the next two months I'll be looking for work again. I'm hoping it will end while there are still fine summer days available to enjoy, even if I will likely spend many of them indoors playing World of Warcraft. Is there ever enough money to serve as a barrier against the future?
*shrug*
I miss Cody. The phone-call girl, as she's been dubbed on occasion, had resurfaced and we'd taken a couple stabs at connection, but it is not meant to be. Ultimately, the nature of our intimacy was utterly cauterized by what happened. I'm left with happy memories and few regrets.
*shrug*
Rose met a new guy, and I recently met him at a BBQ they had. He seems alright. Basically the sense that he wasn't significantly worse than I am combined with her general good track record of character judgement makes me accept that it's very likely that this motherfucker is going to steal her from me forever. This comes with a smirk, but you already knew that.
*shrug*
Liz hurt me again. Wait, no. I hurt her again. Hold on, one more time. Liz and I are
*shrug*
It looks likely that Ian will be moving to LA soon. Naturally this is a California-soaked soon, which would make it something between a New York minute and hell freezing over. His move there may end up being the primary motivating factor for my finally leaving the SF Bay Area. Moving to LA? Yeah, maybe.
*shrug*
Do you see the pattern? There is plenty going on in my life, plenty of people and projects and plans and problems and pain. (I couldn't help myself.) For no clear reason, I'm ok with it. Things hurt and I'm ok with it. Things are great and I'm ok with it. Things change and I'm ok with it, and sometimes I'm not, but I'm ok with that instead.
Real names were used in this post to protect the innocent.
Posted by Matt at June 12, 2005 11:30 PMread more »
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Posted by: scratchymonkey at June 15, 2005 11:52 AMi have been reading roses blog for about a year, and in the interim started reading yours too. I am on Bleeding Hollow server.
Good writing BTW.
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Posted by: Matt at June 13, 2005 03:53 PMgot it...now I get what the funny is all about. LOL indeed. i think you should remove the "s" and "r" from *shrug*. that is what i would do to you!
Posted by: scratchymonkey at June 13, 2005 03:48 PM