(For the attention-span limited, like myself, there are Cliff's Notes at the end of the post - just skip down.)
Tommorow I have an appointment to see Joe's acupuncture guy. I'm looking forward to that like I'm looking forward to having someone turn my face into a pincusion. Oh wait.
I think if things don't get better for me by end-of-week I'm going to bite the bullet and just go hog wild with the tests. Neurologist time. I am not certain I can work as I am currently, and things seem to be getting worse. Seem being the ever-more key word.
Although it's good that there are so many people who want to check in with me, take this post as a clear message that it actually is very difficult and unpleasant for me to talk with people right now. In some ways it's like being in a foreign country. You can understand the general meaning of people (especially with gestures) and you can make your intentions known, but it takes a lot of effort to communicate. Currently, too much. That's the mechanical aspect.
The emotional aspect is that I can't feel connections with anyone right now. I used to be very empathic and now I'm generally only semi-aware of myself. This doesn't mean I don't remember how I used to feel, quite the contrary, it means that I know how I'm supposed to feel and cannot feel it. Phantom feeling, I guess. It's a horrible thing to lose an emotional connection with someone - much less everyone at once.
Also, I wanted to try (again) to convey that although my mental faculties are still here for single-aspect things like writing, or talking to one person, it is not without cost. With writing I get a LOT more time to find the words I want to use, and it doesn't require my ... diminished mental skills as much. It's still quite difficult, but infinitely easier than talking on the phone.
Aside from the mental, I'm in fine health. The daily routine is just that. I shower, I eat, I'm still able to move about and play Warcraft (although now it's more like watching it, since my attention span precludes my ability to strategise). I don't have a headache and more or less I'm sleeping fine. I'm ok, aside from the nightmare I'm in.
Cliff's Notes: Please don't call me. Write me email if you want to communicate. It's not you, it's me. I'm handling it.
Posted by Matt at July 20, 2005 10:14 PM