Sometimes I'll feel a powerful wash of emotion and let it take me with it as far as I dare. It's an opportunity to take an unscheduled trip outside of myself, to see the sights and get some perspective on me. It will start with simple self-awareness.
Oh look here I am staring at a woman again, swept away in fantasy and desire. I hope she doesn't leave for a while because I am so thoroughly enjoying this experience.
Then I'm moving outside of myself, and in seeing me I am compelled to examine.
Should I communicate with her? I wonder why I'm so interested, so invested? I wonder if I could make her mine. I wonder if I'd want to. Why do I want these things, why can't I just appreciate the moment here? Why her?
It's the undertow of incoming information drawing me in to look closer that comes solely from my emotional tide pushing me back. The balance between the two, to see me and not be me simultaneously, is terrifying and exhilarating and accelerating.
God she looks so good there is a hair on her shoulder like a strand of Sif's hair and she reminds me of the girl in the dream, or was it a dream or a book or a movie or something I created as consolation, with her white princess features and delicate hands and I want to own her and serve her and protect her and destroy her and
The distance becomes formidable and both judgments and innate warning alerts begin to chime.
Matt's passions driving him has been what has saved me and Matt needs the extra consideration when I'm feeling this sort of thing about girl-on-the-train because Denali and white princess and broken bird and my mother live here and more because Matt lost something you can see that right because I know I can can't Matt?
Who's that?
Who's asking?
This is when I can feel it most. When I've removed from myself enough, I can see more of it than either makes sense or feels right. I can feel an unbelievably powerful urge to just go a little bit further - just far enough so I can see all of it. But all of what? Can one pull back so far that it's no longer pulling back from oneself but rather becoming something else?
Who would be able to tell the difference between the two?