A long time ago I was in a very dark spot, a really troubled part of my life. It was probably 3AM or so and I was seriously considering killing myself. I called some friends, because it seemed like I had to reach out or die, and nobody answered (it was 3AM on a weekday so...) which made me really feel like maybe it was time.
But I decided to call a suicide hotline as a last resort. It went something like this:
Uh, hi, I'm really not doing well.
"What's your name and where are you?"
I don't really want to talk about that I just wanted someone who can talk to me right now because I'm not doing well.
"Ok, well, then what's the problem?"
I guess I don't have a job, can't find work, I'm deep in debt, but most of all I miss my ex.
"Well you listen honey, you just need to get yourself out there and find some work. And your ex, she's gone honey. She's probably with some other man right now not even thinking about you - so you better put that behind you!"
... Uh, is this a suicide hotline?
"mmm Hmmm!"
It's a really bad one. I mean. I mean REALLY bad. *click*
For some reason I just started to laugh at that point. It was the absurdity of how unbelievably bad this supposed suicide hotline was. She's with another man right now? It makes me chuckle even now thinking about how absurd that response was.
So I took that moment of amusement and hit the internet, looking for suicide threads. I ended up finding a site that was specifically designed for people thinking of killing themselves who were browsing the internet looking for immediate help.
It showed a picture of a scale. On one side it had, "Difficulties and/or pain" and on the other it had, "Abilty to cope." The scale showed the former side lowered past the point of the latter side. That was the diagram of suicide. It focused me on the importance of looking not so much at the horror as on the ability to endure (or overcome) the horror. There may be nothing I can do to change the difficulties or pain, but there is much that can be done to enhance my ability to endure it.
The site recommended going for a 10 minute walk, then reconsidering the suicide decision. 5 minutes. Walk around your house one time, then see if you still want to do it. If so, try walking around it again. Talk to someone and tell them what you're thinking of doing, or just talk to them. Put it off. Procrastinate like you're headed for finals, no pun intended.
So I did. And I'm here.
Posted by Matt at March 24, 2008 11:35 AMso this is completely unrelated, but i'm bored and you haven't posted anything new this month.
don't you just hate how ideas die? like, for example, when i was a kid i loved the color teal. LOVED. but now when i see teal it does nothing for me. where did that passion go? i will never love another color the way i once loved teal. i don't even LIKE that color anymore.
I've been there too, but never with suicide hotlines. And I'm very glad you're still around.
Posted by: Kate at March 25, 2008 09:30 AMI've been thinking about you a lot lately. It's been so long. And this saddens me to read. You know you can call me anytime. I will answer, and it'll be better than the crapass hotline. Seriously, you should think about stealing her job. That'd solve two of your problems.
Posted by: Sharkbait at March 24, 2008 04:08 PM