Highlights from Matt's sunny Monday morning:
friday night? I dont even remember. Everything is just a haze of running away from the horrible pain of existing and diving into an endless smile-shaped pool of liquor
I take some solace in knowing that whatever miserable decades I slave away here on earth, at least in the end a forgotten patch of grass will be able to gradually suck some nutrients out of my useless, dead husk
love = feelings of passion that know no reason and are relativly unkillable - like Terminator except without all the witty rejoinder.
The best proof for god that I've come up with is that only a divine presence of immeasurable love could create such an massive universe which spans all eternity - and blesses his children with mercifully short visits
It's been over a month now. Not a day has gone by without a drink to accompany it. Sometimes, the drink doesn't accompany so much as hammer down or punctuate, but as is typical of my ruthless and growing pragmatism I don't care about the particulars. It's been over 31 days. That's a solid number you can sink your teeth into, or in my case wrap my lips around.
Speaking of lips, it's been a joyride through urbania this month for girls. I met a girl on match.com - you recall my ridiculous profile I'm sure - and we actually went out. That was a lot of fun, we went to a local thai place and she ordered everything since I know fuckall about Thai food. Everything she ordered, I liked, amazingly enough. There was a soup with coconut milk and mushrooms - YUM! There were these funny chicken skewer things - Double YUM! and then there was a... pork dish? I dont remember except that it was spicy and good. It was a good time. She combed my hair! I don't think that's happened in the past 20 years. But I was not connecting in the right way, and I could sense that she was ahead of me emotionally, so I chickened out and dropped the whole thing.
I'm turning 30 in just over a month. Frankly, the words have just about zero meaning for me. Mainly, it means I will be spending a fortune in about a month for the big ass birthday party. Who to invite? Who to invite? Oh! I know! everyone!!! That way at least a few of my closest friends will show up.
I fell in love a week ago. It's been a long, long time since that happened. It shed a lot of light on my endless girl confusion. Love isn't about me giving endlessly. It's not about someone giving themselves to me without reservation. It's not give-and-take. It's not a disease. It's not combat. It's not two become one fucking.
It is a force. It's a force that swoops and licks and slams you into a world where there's an immeasurably equal balance of awe and horror. How can this other person exist? How lucky am I that we actually met? What if we hadn't? What is a world without this? I am so small and so enormous - in love.
Tears came when this force hit me. I wept slightly for the horror of how lonely I was before it and for the humbling slap of seeing myself checked. I wept for the awesome joy I felt staring into her eyes and seeing
everything
She asked why I was crying and I don't remember what I said, but I know what I thought/felt. "you see me." And I slept well that night.
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I'm trying to find a way to more easily post pictures. A lot of my problem is not the mechanics of posting them to the website but getting the stupid thumbnails done. I have these pictures that are collosal from a web-viewing perspective that I need to shrink down and then make a thumbnail of. It's a pain in the ass that I wish someone had made a little program to do for me.
I'm coming up on two full years of working at this company I'm at. I really need a vacation badly. It's starting to make me a little crazy. Every day seems startlingly like the day before it. It actually annoys me now when people ask how things are going for me. My thought is "they are exactly the same as they were last week, and last month, and hey what a surprise last YEAR!!!" On occasion I get a moment away from work in my mind and it's a rush. I remember being free. I remember walking down Broadway in New York with nothing but my messenger bag. I remember the perspective of the whole fucking world being my "room". Now it's just a 15-by-15 box half filled with computer equipment and I can't even tell if that's describing my home or my office. I remember telling people what I was feeling and thinking. Now what I say runs through so many filters I feel like someone else has rented my mouth and I'm just listening to it. I remember being afraid of things. Now I'm afraid of being afraid. I remember my friends and the absolute clarity of their bonds to me. There is no one I'm not prepared to abandon anymore. I had strong legs once. I barely recognize the spindly twigs I use to lurch around with now.
I remember tripping my ass off in midtown Manhatten, not being able to stifle my laughter at the scope of mans foolishness, and now I'm the costumed idiot.
Out of 21 people who didn't respond to the evite I sent out about tonights party - 7 of them looked at the evite but could'nt figure out how to use the (Y)es / (N)o radio button selection
And people were amazed at the 2000 election. YES OR NO!? That's too complex? (there's also a maybe... maybe that's what threw them off)
Oh well.
It's late. I'm beat.
I'm hairy.
I just danced my ass off - again. in the dark. I suppose it's possible I had a million viewers, since my silly video feed is on. Hi there. I really should drink some water and go to bed. Maybe in 10 minutes. It'll be 1AM then. That's a nice number to sleep to.
I reach out to you and tremble before you. I reach and touch and change in an instant. I change to something dual and singular. I feel your eyes watching me. I feel your hairs ripple and my lips crackle. I move with you or you move into me and it's impossible to tell. I kiss your neck. I kiss your shoulders. I kiss your arms and hands and cheek and lips. I kiss my arm, thinking it's yours. It is. I murmur and moan with a vibration you and I feel. I clutch us like a gasp of breath. You're here. You're here. Your smell and warmth and brush of hair. Your breath and breasts and hands and hips. Your eyes or mine. It is all us.
Goodnight.
You're just like an angel
your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather,
in a beautiful world,
And I wish I was special,
You're so fuckin' special,
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo,
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here,
I don't care if hurts,
I want to have control,
I want a perfect body,
I want a perfect soul,
I want you to notice,
when I'm not around,
whatever makes you happy,
whatever you want,
you're so fuckin' special,
I wish I was special,
But I'm a creep,
I'm a winner,
What the hell am I doing here,
I don't belong here,
I don't belong here
Sometimes I am reminded how glad I am that I have a separate website (www.closedmatt.com, if you will) for thoughts that are just too venomous or horrible to allow the children to play with. This is one of those times.
Motherfucker.
I'm supposed to see Virginia today (see below). I'm nervous as hell. *sigh*
Jesus christ! I love blogger, but man when it doesnt work right, you get that "planning the construction of a nuclear plant with a teething child" feeling. These guys have everything done right except for the things that just don't work. In this case, that's the archive function. I've hardcoded the fixes, but the honest truth is that for a service that is shockingly easy to use - things like this shouldn't be hard!
Here's a little treat for the Q-tip lovers out there:
And I mean the cotton swabs, not the rapper.
Why is it that when I want to be by myself, say on a quiet weekend with a good game on my screen, I get everyone and their mom (no, this is not a turn of phrase) calling and stopping by. But those dark, lonely nights when I'm just staring at the Cheers marathon on TBS - it's like the day the earth stood still. Hello? HELLO?
Go figure.
Choo-choo rocket! a-wakka-wakka-waaa!