You know what drives me nuts? When I see people in movies "search" things by dumping them all over the floor/counter/desk. It always just seems like total bullshit to me. I want to yell at the screen "YOU CAN'T FIND SHIT THAT WAY YOU MORON!!!" All the stuff just goes rolling all over the place and gets lost!
Bah!
I also hate it when they show computer stuff that everyone know about in a cartoony, simplistic way. Like email. I mean who the hell doesn't know what email is? But in movie after movie you look at people "checking their email" and it's some interface you've never ever seen before with big baloons for windows and HUGE text. WHY? The only people who don't know about email are the same people who don't have running water and have flies covering their lips!
Bah again!
From a hotornot.com profile:
"If you love someone, set them free. If they return to you, put several 8 inch blades into their head. If they return again, then run..... Just run."
LOL!
Ok. I'm over it. Man I have been stressed like crazy for weeks now. But the sun is out, I'm done with work, and I'm ready to relax.
Thanks to the massive number of people who got in touch with me and asked how I was doing and then had the priceless foresight to not try and fix anything. I am dead serious. Thanks.
In other news, I'll be winning my $20 off Travis soon, when we don't go to war with Iraq until March. HA HA SUCKER!
Oh, and I'm down to a 7.9 - that's just mean.
*** WARNING: Shameless whining alert!!! ***
I hurt. I hurt and I hurt and I hurt. I hurt.
I hurt.
My brain will not shut the fuck up. I cannot sleep. I cannot rest. I tried my meditation. I tried eating good foods. I tried tea. I tried. I'm screaming in my head. It won't stop and it hurts. It hurts and hurts and hurts.
I'm waiting for my water to get hot so I can wash some dishes and get some food into my belly. I'm starved. I mean I've had 2 cups of coffee and 3 beers and my stomach is about to curl up and turn into a cancerous tumor. I feel just fucking awful. I talked with my girl today and had one of "those talks" that made me reflect on just how screwed up I am and how much I wish I could achieve escape velocity from some of the patterns I've had my whole life. I feel like no matter what I do I end up hurting people, and even knowing that that is part of the whole emotional interaction thing doesn't change that it makes me feel like a slap of shit every time it happens.
What good is it? I keep trying to be "myself" whatever the hell that is, and at the same time be good to others. So frequently it ends up with me hurting the people I love most - and all I can think is that that is the way I'm designed. That is what I do. I hurt people. What then? What do I do?
She is happy she can say boyfriend. That thing I cannot seem to be. I'm jealous. I've always said that jealousy is a lack of self-esteem and here I am loaded to the gills with it. Lack of self-esteem? Jealousy? Both. What could I say in my own defense? I just said it myself, I'm not the boyfriend you're looking for. I'm not that guy. I'm not what you want. I'm not what anyone wants - even myself. Self-loathing? No! I wish. Instead it's this infernal perception that I know who I am, even if that guy is damned.
I know who I am. I know how I am. And as sorry as I am that I cannot be the thing you want - I'm sorrier that I cannot make myself be the thing you want.
8.0 and dropping.
Arrrg!!! Watching my hototnot score plummit like a damaged space shuttle is just too agonizing for words. Oh wait...
I love late night TV. I mean l-o-v-e love. They play shit that is about 10 million times more interesting after 1AM. I swear. All the time. Right now, there is a movie with Dennis Leary as some kind of mental patient - who may or may not be from 1999, but is now told by his doctors that its 400 years later. Everything looks the same though. Same cars. Same buildings. Same everything.
Even the hairstyles.
So I'm only half watching it. I mean I've been trying to get some new stuff for the site to work, like a decent webcam, or a chat section, but since 90% of the movie takes place in a crappy little mental institution room I'm not missing anything visually by only listening. I guess. In any case it's damn interesting. I watched two hours of "Joe Millionaire" and forgot it even faster than I could absorb it. Anti-interest. But this is some damn gripping shit.
screw it. I will never find out what happens at the end because I'm going to bed. G'night.
This weekend? Total crap. Nothing but horrifying degrees of stress. I've got maddening twists of logic and love (logic? love? HA HA HA!!!!) on one side. I've got my financial future on the other. In the middle? Fear and loathing in M.H. Twice this weekend my stress levels rose to a level where I started getting mental jitters. This is when my thoughts kinda skip laterally and I find myself mixing unrelated thoughts. This can be a lot of fun when you're just daydreaming, but when you're loaded down with heavy mental shit it's more like being lost in a maze of mirrors. That's slowly filling with hot oil. While smoking.
Not fun.
My dentist fucked up one of my fillings. I need to go back and get it fixed, because I now have a permaheadache on the right side of my head. *sigh*
I've spent a mess of hours spinning about the webcam/blog world, and I'm a little shocked at the massive number of teenage girls who must spend HOURS of time working on their nigh-professional quality sites. Oh, and they have nice legs a lot too.
Guh.
Guh.
Guhnight.
Oh, since I've been asked about a million times now - the whole hotornot thing came to mind because the ad for the TV show came on the TV and I was bored. So faggaff.
This is great! Look at how simple they make it! It's a javascript ego-buster - click to win!
Wow. I'm just blown away.
So some random chick linked my fuck fuck rant and now it's freaking me out that .. well... that some random chick read my page. At all. It makes me wonder how many people have looked at this page that I don't know. Actually, I'm even more curious about how they got here.
This site has always been a katharsis dump. The OMP is only the latest iteration of it. There have been four previous websites and it was only with this latest one that I decided to make it really public. Mostly I've kept them to myself. The whole idea was to be able to tell someone, anyone, everyone about the fucked up shit I had swirling in my cerebral bowl.
But now I find myself thinking about advertising it. I mean like telling everyone and seeing who shows up. (side note: I think I'm going to put myself of hotornot.com or whatever that fucking site is called. Why not?)
ok. Big side-track. I'm up now. I'm signed up for hotornot.com
Go ahead. I know the 6 people who will vote are going to ream my score, forever dooming me to internet obscurity, but I don't care. I have my spot in the digital sun and I ain't movin'.
I'm floored. Of all people, Travis came up with this Kernel Of Wisdom:
" it is not what you SAY but how the other person inturperates your actions that count. the 'saying' part is a formality that is designed to prepair the other person for your actions."
(spelling deliberately left intact to preserve rottenosity)
A "formality." How true! "Other person interperets your actions"... so maybe behaving correctly is just a con? What a can of worms.
When you do everything you can to do the right thing and you still turn everything to shit. What then?
When you decide that maybe you'll just avoid the whole question, and the question hunts you down. What then?
When you've see that you have no options, or at least you cannot see any options. What can you do?
Best guess? Trust in the lord? Listen to your heart? Read your horoscope?
Perhaps honing your apology skills is all you can do.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
And so gentlemen I sit again on my inebreated throne, waving and pointing at this and that, all in the effort to share my perspectives.
Your sweet sweet skin lingers on my mind. Your laughing voice tickles as it tortures. The glint of streetlight off the corner of your eyes as I fuck you lights the way. Your tits warp my vision, my view bending to suit the curves of your innocent flesh. Your taut face, stretched in a grimace of pleasure, mouth agape, throat muscles corded and trembling with passionate anticipation of the next moment. Your hips slide and thrust in thirst for each and every inch of cock. Your belly, warm and smooth, rubs and rubs and tickles mine. I get lost between your tongue in my mouth and my dick in your cunt. My hand on your back. My hand on your throat. The hissing draw of breath inbetween thrusts. The desperation of our embrace mirroring the vulnerability of our passion. Our legs intwined, our fuck fast or slow, our scratching or clasping, our kisses voracious or tender, in and out - in and out - in and in.
I thought I was lost until I found myself in you. I never spent a moment so happy as the one I lived losing myself in you.