It's been a very long time since I've written anything. I've been chided for it by no small number of friends and family, and although I appreciate the little input it is, I write now from a location untouched by these appeals.
My brain problems seem to have waned to a point where I am merely diminished, as opposed to crippled. I have some vague awareness that I was sharper, more flexible of thought, and considerably less slow than I had been a few months ago, but typical of human behavior I have adapted and so am no longer burdened by the sense of loss.
In an inexplicable way, I have changed fundamentally. I could not begin to explain in what way or to what extent, despite my having tried on numerous occasions with intimates. The best I have come up with is, in a word, tamed. I have somehow been tamed. Whether or not it was the experience of being slowly killed or the excision of unknown mental terrain, or something else altogether, I do not know. What I feel now is a sense of natural, perhaps even placid, passion for life.
Familiar terrors visit me, and I find them toothless and without vigor. The consideration of my direction, finding insufficient purchase on the now sheer surface of my introspection, has shifted to the mundane. Not only do I no longer struggle with my web of melancholy and despair, but I find it difficult to remember its terrible clutches.
In this bizarre twist of fate, I have lost myself only to find that only I remain, but as an exclamation now, no longer a question.
I love, and I love. I rage, and I rage. I fear, and am afraid. My friends are much clearer to me now, as I am no longer viewing them through a furious haze of predictive visions. Those who have forsaken me are simply forsaken and no more. If I listened more in my life, I cannot recall it, and the sound of it carries the words I have forever struggled to find. Above all, I taste this preciousness.
So the question of this portal, this old bespittled maw of katharsis, and what is to become of it hangs here on it's very pages.
Possibly forever.