A long time ago I was in a very dark spot, a really troubled part of my life. It was probably 3AM or so and I was seriously considering killing myself. I called some friends, because it seemed like I had to reach out or die, and nobody answered (it was 3AM on a weekday so...) which made me really feel like maybe it was time.
But I decided to call a suicide hotline as a last resort. It went something like this:
Uh, hi, I'm really not doing well.
"What's your name and where are you?"
I don't really want to talk about that I just wanted someone who can talk to me right now because I'm not doing well.
"Ok, well, then what's the problem?"
I guess I don't have a job, can't find work, I'm deep in debt, but most of all I miss my ex.
"Well you listen honey, you just need to get yourself out there and find some work. And your ex, she's gone honey. She's probably with some other man right now not even thinking about you - so you better put that behind you!"
... Uh, is this a suicide hotline?
"mmm Hmmm!"
It's a really bad one. I mean. I mean REALLY bad. *click*
For some reason I just started to laugh at that point. It was the absurdity of how unbelievably bad this supposed suicide hotline was. She's with another man right now? It makes me chuckle even now thinking about how absurd that response was.
So I took that moment of amusement and hit the internet, looking for suicide threads. I ended up finding a site that was specifically designed for people thinking of killing themselves who were browsing the internet looking for immediate help.
It showed a picture of a scale. On one side it had, "Difficulties and/or pain" and on the other it had, "Abilty to cope." The scale showed the former side lowered past the point of the latter side. That was the diagram of suicide. It focused me on the importance of looking not so much at the horror as on the ability to endure (or overcome) the horror. There may be nothing I can do to change the difficulties or pain, but there is much that can be done to enhance my ability to endure it.
The site recommended going for a 10 minute walk, then reconsidering the suicide decision. 5 minutes. Walk around your house one time, then see if you still want to do it. If so, try walking around it again. Talk to someone and tell them what you're thinking of doing, or just talk to them. Put it off. Procrastinate like you're headed for finals, no pun intended.
So I did. And I'm here.
Sometimes I'll feel a powerful wash of emotion and let it take me with it as far as I dare. It's an opportunity to take an unscheduled trip outside of myself, to see the sights and get some perspective on me. It will start with simple self-awareness.
Oh look here I am staring at a woman again, swept away in fantasy and desire. I hope she doesn't leave for a while because I am so thoroughly enjoying this experience.
Then I'm moving outside of myself, and in seeing me I am compelled to examine.
Should I communicate with her? I wonder why I'm so interested, so invested? I wonder if I could make her mine. I wonder if I'd want to. Why do I want these things, why can't I just appreciate the moment here? Why her?
It's the undertow of incoming information drawing me in to look closer that comes solely from my emotional tide pushing me back. The balance between the two, to see me and not be me simultaneously, is terrifying and exhilarating and accelerating.
God she looks so good there is a hair on her shoulder like a strand of Sif's hair and she reminds me of the girl in the dream, or was it a dream or a book or a movie or something I created as consolation, with her white princess features and delicate hands and I want to own her and serve her and protect her and destroy her and
The distance becomes formidable and both judgments and innate warning alerts begin to chime.
Matt's passions driving him has been what has saved me and Matt needs the extra consideration when I'm feeling this sort of thing about girl-on-the-train because Denali and white princess and broken bird and my mother live here and more because Matt lost something you can see that right because I know I can can't Matt?
Who's that?
Who's asking?
This is when I can feel it most. When I've removed from myself enough, I can see more of it than either makes sense or feels right. I can feel an unbelievably powerful urge to just go a little bit further - just far enough so I can see all of it. But all of what? Can one pull back so far that it's no longer pulling back from oneself but rather becoming something else?
Who would be able to tell the difference between the two?
I think everyone has a popular TV show they've never really watched much of, despite its seeming ubiquity. Maybe it's 'MASH', or 'Frasier', or god help you 'Two and a Half Men.' For me, it's Seinfeld. For whatever reason, I just never really watched much of it while it was huge. Now that it's syndicated and running just about 24-7 somewhere in the 800 channels I've noted a strange phenomenon that is sometimes paired with the already unusual state of having missed a bulk of some massive pop culture hit.
Somehow, whenever I catch Seinfeld, it's the same episode. There's got to be hundreds of Seinfeld episodes and yet for some reason I always seem to catch the same two or three that I've already seen. Something about Kramer getting into trouble with a harebrained scheme or George embarrassing his way into disaster, or both. It always provokes a feeling of Deja Vu tainted with a coat of mundane boredom. I didn't really want to watch it in the first place, so a repeated repeat isn't so much of a let down as a curiosity. The really odd thing is how I seem to react to this each time as if it had never happened before.
Groundhog Day was a fine movie, perhaps the pinnacle of Bill Murray's career.
The dreams I have where Denali is the primary subject feel this way to me upon awakening. Why is it always the same episode? Going through the same experience over and over again, am I learning anything? Is there anything to learn? Is the exposure a refresh, a reminder so I do not forget, or a clogged expulsion that refuses to clear?
It is all so desperately tiresome.